i know hoo killed me

I KNOW, I KNOW

I did something for which I am ashamed. I saw Lindsay Lohan's new film I Know Who Killed Me. Ugh- I know who put me to sleep. I know that I deserve what I got. But I had hopes that this would be one of those cheesy-but-fun thrillers like Julia Roberts would have made in 1989. Plus it was produced by Frank Mancuso Jr., who made all the Friday the 13th films (not masterpieces, but fun). So I'm just going to go ahead and give you spoilers, and save you the 11 dollars, plus popcorn fees.

Linds plays a "teenager" who gets her arm and leg chopped off by a stranger for no apparent reason. When she wakes up in the hospital, she claims to be a stripper named Dakota (an homage to Dakota Fanning?)

In spite of having one arm, one leg, and being bedridden after a brutal attack, Lindsay's makeup is perfectly applied. Plus, she sports HUGE fake eyelashes that are like uni-lashes (no space in between each lash).

She confounds all the doctors, who think she must have a split personality. She recounts all of her adventures as a stripper (this is a convenient opportunity for the director to cut to Linds in stripper gear, doing an awkward dance in a club. ) Lindsay must have had a no-nudity clause in her contract, which is honestly the smartest decision she has made recently. Finally, after the stripper music montage flashbacks, Linds/Dakota goes "home" with her parents and begins investigating on a laptop. (I love that regular folks in movies can solve crimes online, while I have trouble playing videos on YouTube). Anyway, her Nancy Drew routine is fruitful, as she figures out that she must have a twin sister (who sports the same gargantuan eyelashes).

The gist of the story is that Linds 1 and 2 are psychically connected, and when the "good" Lindsay was decapitated, the bad girl/stripper version would feel the same pain and have identical physical injuries. Whatever. So she embarks on a quest to find her twin, sporting a hook hand and a mechanical leg. With no limp whatsoever.

The director also wants to make sure we understand his imagery, as owls and blue roses are woven throughout the film to the point of excess. The school mascot is an owl, we hear owls Hooing on the soundtrack, and Lindsey sees owls during the obligatory chase scene through the woods. Our heroine is given a blue rose by her boyfriend, comes upon an abandoned shack with a "blue rose motif" stained-glass window(!), and later finds her twin entombed in a glass coffin with blue roses. Talk about symbolism overkill!

AnyHOO (owl reference intended), the Evil Chopper of Young Lady Limbs turns out to be - DA DA DUMB....the piano teacher who had a brief cameo scene at the beginning of the film. Huh? Why? Before he can give a monologue explaining his motive, Lindsay turns all Rambette and works him over with an axe using her good arm. Let that be a lesson to evil piano instructors everywhere.

The movie touchingly ends with the bloodied and barely alive twins lying in each other's arms (one arm each), as owls hoo mournfully. Will they live or will they die? I guess we'll have to wait for the sequel, or until Lindsay's multiple court cases are cleared up.