i know hoo killed me

I KNOW, I KNOW

I did something for which I am ashamed. I saw Lindsay Lohan's new film I Know Who Killed Me. Ugh- I know who put me to sleep. I know that I deserve what I got. But I had hopes that this would be one of those cheesy-but-fun thrillers like Julia Roberts would have made in 1989. Plus it was produced by Frank Mancuso Jr., who made all the Friday the 13th films (not masterpieces, but fun). So I'm just going to go ahead and give you spoilers, and save you the 11 dollars, plus popcorn fees.

Linds plays a "teenager" who gets her arm and leg chopped off by a stranger for no apparent reason. When she wakes up in the hospital, she claims to be a stripper named Dakota (an homage to Dakota Fanning?)

In spite of having one arm, one leg, and being bedridden after a brutal attack, Lindsay's makeup is perfectly applied. Plus, she sports HUGE fake eyelashes that are like uni-lashes (no space in between each lash).

She confounds all the doctors, who think she must have a split personality. She recounts all of her adventures as a stripper (this is a convenient opportunity for the director to cut to Linds in stripper gear, doing an awkward dance in a club. ) Lindsay must have had a no-nudity clause in her contract, which is honestly the smartest decision she has made recently. Finally, after the stripper music montage flashbacks, Linds/Dakota goes "home" with her parents and begins investigating on a laptop. (I love that regular folks in movies can solve crimes online, while I have trouble playing videos on YouTube). Anyway, her Nancy Drew routine is fruitful, as she figures out that she must have a twin sister (who sports the same gargantuan eyelashes).

The gist of the story is that Linds 1 and 2 are psychically connected, and when the "good" Lindsay was decapitated, the bad girl/stripper version would feel the same pain and have identical physical injuries. Whatever. So she embarks on a quest to find her twin, sporting a hook hand and a mechanical leg. With no limp whatsoever.

The director also wants to make sure we understand his imagery, as owls and blue roses are woven throughout the film to the point of excess. The school mascot is an owl, we hear owls Hooing on the soundtrack, and Lindsey sees owls during the obligatory chase scene through the woods. Our heroine is given a blue rose by her boyfriend, comes upon an abandoned shack with a "blue rose motif" stained-glass window(!), and later finds her twin entombed in a glass coffin with blue roses. Talk about symbolism overkill!

AnyHOO (owl reference intended), the Evil Chopper of Young Lady Limbs turns out to be - DA DA DUMB....the piano teacher who had a brief cameo scene at the beginning of the film. Huh? Why? Before he can give a monologue explaining his motive, Lindsay turns all Rambette and works him over with an axe using her good arm. Let that be a lesson to evil piano instructors everywhere.

The movie touchingly ends with the bloodied and barely alive twins lying in each other's arms (one arm each), as owls hoo mournfully. Will they live or will they die? I guess we'll have to wait for the sequel, or until Lindsay's multiple court cases are cleared up.

Summer Lovin'


( I recently discovered a wonderful store in NYC called Entertainment Outlet. I am still in mourning over the demise of Tower Records. Anyway, I got four videos for about $6.00. You can't beat it! One of the treasures is a copy of a great horror flick- I Know What You Did Last Summer. In fact, one of the things I did last summer is write a review of the second sequel, the rather awkwardly-monikered I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer. While I rewatch the original with the less-cumbersome title, here is my review of the third part of the series that launched Jennifer Love Hewitt into scream queen stardom:)



"I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer"

You may be surprised to learn that this is a sequel to a film by the name of I Know What You Did Last Summer. The original movie was based on a novel by Lois Duncan, and cast with attractive young actors like Jennifer Love Hewitt and Sarah Michelle Gellar. J-Love headlined the follow-up I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer. Since all the good horror movie holidays were already taken with Halloween and Friday the 13th, the Summer series is set on July the 4th. Always. Each story in the franchise revolves around teens who accidentally cause a death, make a group pact to hide the truth, and then face a vengeful killer with a hook-for-a-hand one year later. (Those secrets will kill ya.) This is the plot. Always.

I suppose we can consider this the concluding chapter of the trilogy. Sort of like Return of the Jedi. But wait a minute! Jennifer Love Hewitt is nowhere to be found! Well, we know what she DIDN’T do last summer. A ”Summer” film without J-Love is like Gone with the Wind without Scarlett O’Hara. So we follow a whole new group of fresh meat /characters with a deep dark secret. A July the 4th prank-gone-wrong kills one of their friends (no, it did not involve firecrackers). The foursome vow that they will take the secret to their graves. If they only knew what we knew. (If J-Love were around, she could fill them in.)


One year later, we see how the guilt has eaten away at their souls. One of the girls has gone all goth and dyed her hair black, and one of the guys has a dead-end job repairing ski lifts(!) Jennifer Love Hewitt- I mean, Brooke Nevin has fared the best, returning home for the summer after a year at college. One by one our kids begin receiving ominous notes proclaiming, ”I(’ll always?) Know What You Did Last Summer“. Da dum dum.

Now the fun begins, as we see the various and creative ways the cast is disposed of. Of course, a few of the peripheral bit players are killed as a warm-up. Who is the killer with a hook-for-a-hand? Is it the brother of the victim from last summer? Is it Barney Fife/the town deputy? Or is it one of the four kids, who has cracked under the pressure? I STILL don’t know. I’ll go back and watch it again- it may have been deliberately ambiguous, which would leave the door open for another sequel. I REALLY REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER? I KNOW WHAT YOU DID ON SPRING BREAK?

As I indicated, the plot points are secondary. The fun part of these movies is in the chase and kill. And Jennifer Love Hewitt’s /Brooke Nevin’s trademark “wifebeater” t-shirts. I must say, though, I was SHOCKED that the ski lift guy wasn’t killed by a ski chair gone amok. A+, but get J-Love back for Part 4.

I can't wait!

take two

I tried to post this on Myspace earlier. I guess it is floating around in Mycyberspaceland somewhere.Maybe it'll appear later. In the meantime, here it is:



this is healthy living


I feel like I have two heavy stones, not in the pit of my stomach, but in the midsection above my belly button. This pain-in-the-gut appears to be the result of a trip to The Gourmet Garage today.

I'll back up a bit. Ever since the day I walked a homeless lady around the city looking for an apartment (I blogged about it), I have forsaken meat. This woman, who I had never seen before or since, told me things which turned me off of carnivorism (is that a word?) I will spare you the details, but I have converted to vegetarianism (is that a word?) I confess to cheating a few times at first by draining the chicken broth out of some Ramen noodles. Once you decide not to eat meat, you discover that the options at the grocery store become much more limited. I can't say that I am a healthy eater, although cutting out the McDonald's hamburgers has no doubt helped. I have been eating healthy things like veggie sushi, some salads, and fresh fruit, but also veggie pizza and canned fruit in syrup. Potato chips still count as a vegetable in my mind too.

Today, I stopped by the Gourmet Garage for some extra-fresh veggie sushi. I started exploring some other options for a later meal. I picked up a container of Macro and Vegan Thai Dumplings and some Dehydrated Onion Chips as a potato chip substitute. One thing that caught my attention in the snack aisle was a bag of Cheddar Bunnies! I'm sorry, that is just wrong. I have seen Cheddar Goldfish and Cheddar Whales, and I think Cheddar Dolphins. When you cross over into Cheddar rodent shapes (however warm and fluffy), I draw the line.

Anyway, my stomach hurts. Maybe I have sent my stomach into shock with too much health food.

Movies I've seen recently

Ok, I promised you rambling, I've given it to you. Bad dark poetry- check. Rants about my phone company- that'll probably happen soon. So now, here are a few of my semi-regular movie mini-reviews. I like to talk in generalities about the themes, and not plot specifics. Can't stand movie spoilers!!! (One time, I was reading an LA Weekly article shortly after Million Dollar Baby came out, which I hadn't seen. The writer revealed the ending. Fire that hack!)


Anyway, I caught the afternoon matinee of Evening (ironic, huh?) It is a lovely story with the best casting of any film this year. Meryl Streep, Glenn Close, Claire Danes, Toni Collette, and numerous others. The film is beautifully shot. The structure of the story reminds me of Titanic in a way. It deals with unrequited love, class distinctions, and absolution from sins of your past. It is a very wistful and touching story. The skill of the actors keeps it grounded without becoming sappy. I loved it.


In a strangely similar vein, I caught a new adaptation of Lady Chatterley last week. It also explores a story about star-crossed lovers. Like Evening, this film has striking imagery and cinematrography. The movie is cast with French actors and has subtitles. Proving that film is a visual medium, my viewing experience was hampered in no way by a language barrier. And, YES, it has sex scenes, ok? The story is more about emotional intimacy and exposing your inner self. I am not familiar with the novel upon which this is based, but this seemed to take a period story and superimpose a somewhat modern sensibility over it. Bump this story up several decades and you could have an episode of Desperate Housewives. "Lonely wife, neglected by emotionally distant husband, begins a secret romance with sensitive gardener." Like Evening, Chatterley demonstrates that underneath it all, everyone just wants to love and be loved.

I give both an A+. So make that a "Double A."

I borrowed this quote from R blog

“Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.” - Albert Einstein

Unreal

Can you believe the garbage the tv networks are trying to make us swallow? I can accept a few reality-based programs such as Project Runway, that involve a modicum of skill and are cleverly-produced. But now every night, every channel is amateur night! Bad singers, bad dancers, and wanna-be pirates? The latest concept is a show based on forgetting the words to karaoke numbers. In this Paris Hilton generation, we are now glorifying a lack of talent. Not to mention it saves the network a fortune in professional writers, actors, and production values. No wonder Nick at Nite and classic shows on DVD are so popular. In 20 years, will anyone be flocking to buy the complete season set of "So You Think You Can Dance"?

I'll be at Barnes and Noble.